8 months later- I'm just not ready yet

So I realized today that it has been 8 months since my trip to Mali and I really have missed writing blogs. I've decided to pick it back up and write about my journey to making it to the missions field. Mali really broke me. I was hit hard with the reality of what serving God is like in Africa. When I arrived home I felt really broken and really defeated. I was so hard on myself for feeling as if I failed. I had many a conversations with God saying you got the wrong person and even doubted that God called me which made me doubt my relationship with Christ. I hate to admit that I was bitter about my trip to Mali and the emotions that I experienced. I felt out of place and unwanted. God had recently started working on my heart and showing me the lessons He taught me while I was in Mali. I am so selfish, and I'm not sure if I was completely ready for a place like Mali. I wanted to serve God but my heart was not where it should be. I still am fighting this battle today. I know in my heart that I am called to missions and that God placed that calling on my life for a reason, but I'm battling it. When I returned from Mali I wanted to move on with my life and give up on missions. It hard and scary, and I was lonely and insecure, but God is reminding me everyday that serving him isn't easy and He never promised that it would be. So I say that I am still battling this bc I am still not ready to surrender that to God. I know the calling on my life, but I'm still selfish and I'm fighting that calling. I hate to admit that, but I also can't lie about it either. I know that someday I will be ready to surrender, but I'm not ready yet. I'm selfish. I look at my family and friends and home and say I'm not ready to give this up yet and I'm sorry. God is still working in me everyday and I know that I want to serve him. I'm sorry for being honest and for being selfish. I'm just not ready yet, but I know and pray that someday I will be.