Mustard Seeds

Mustard Seed...that has become my new nickname. Disappointment has hit. I'm on the waitlist for Vanderbilt. My dream that I always wanted is now hanging on to a thread and out of my control.This means that I will only get in if someone declines the job. Goodbye Nashville, Hello Norwalk. The first day I found out I was not ok. I was angry at God. I want things my way because I seem to think that I know what's best for my life. I wanted to move to Nashville. I wanted to live with Meg. This is not fair. So what about the mustard seed?
"He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

My faith has not been like a mustard seed. I have been so doubtful of what God can do. I wanted to sit and mope about my loss, but then God made me realize this is not the end of the world. I am being so selfish. He is the ALMIGHTY GOD and I am doubting Him? I have life, I can breathe, I have an incredible family, this is nothing close to the end of the world. I'm beginning to realize what a blessing it is to be at the will of God. He has total control over my life at this point in time and the more I think about it the more excited I become. He knows the big picture and He will be faithful no matter where I end up. I've decided to take that faith of a mustard seed. I want to be totally dependent on Christ alone and I know that He will pull through, even if that means no Nashville. I serve a might God and I am excited to see where He takes me from here!

Disappointment

I know alot about disappointment. It happens to be my biggest fear, and yet something I'm all too familiar with. I remember my first encounter with disappointment. I was 4 years old and I was sitting on a table sobbing at preschool as my teacher was explaining to me that I was not randomly chosen to be the angel in the school play. See Megan got to be the angel the two years before and so I automatically thought that applied to me too. I remember that pain very clearly. Unfortunately disappointment continued to follow me in life. Amy was a star in the 8th grade play and I wanted to be just like her so I tried out as well, I didn't make. I once again battled disappointments and felt like a failure. Going into high school I again got another one on one with disappointment, this time it was the musical. Once again Amy and Megan had gotten large roles in the musical before and I wanted to be like them. I wanted to show everyone that I was just like my sisters. I remember that moment so well and my friends had to come find me in the bathroom and take me to the office because I was so devastated that I had not even made the musical as an extra. I didn't understand why I wasn't making it. I took this disappointment as a blow to my self esteem. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't as good as my sisters. What was wrong with me and who am I were questions that filled my head. I picked my self off the floor and life went on. I accepted the defeat. I tried to ind things that I loved and that I was good at. When I was twelve years old I felt a call towards missions. I was pretty sure that God was talking to me and I was so amazed because this was something that was my own. My sisters had never declared this calling. Finally I was figuring out who I was and I wasn't facing disappointment. Then I decided to follow this dream and passion of mine to Mali. I thought that I was strong enough and everyone was so proud of me. I remember being on my knees in Mali sobbing because this time I wasn't the one facing a disappointment, I was the disappointment. I felt like I had failed. The one thing that I had so much passion for and I had failed. Why was God doing this to me. I thought I was in full surrender to Him. Once again I had no idea who I was anymore. This dream that I had always had felt like it was crumbling in my hands. I failed.

So here I sit two days after my first real life career interview terrified. Am I going to face the disappointment again. Am I going to disappoint people again. I tried my hardest, I tried to show them who I am, and yet I am still terrified to know the outcome. All of those emotions from previous disappointments are flowing back and I don't even find out if I get the job until April. But this time I want it to be different. I turn to His word and remember
"This I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lords great love we not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him'"

I serve a great God, and he has great plans for my life. No i never got to be the angel in my preschool play, and I never got to be the lead role in a musical or play, but God opened other doors and he is fulfilling his purpose in other ways in my life. Do I want this job? More than anything, but I will be OK if I don't get it. It's not a failure, its a closed door, but through that closed door God will open a window and it will be even better than I could have ever imagined.